An example my mate came up with was the question of her birthday presents. For the majority of their married life she has gently informed her 'Darling' that she doesn't like surprises. Yet each year he comes in bearing gifts and ... yup you guessed it - surprises. The end result often being that if she does not burst into spontaneous applause and gratitude then her husband becomes upset and moody. But surely - he is the one who has got it wrong. Can he really be that clueless?
Generally speaking we both agreed that we are very lucky with the men that we have - and we certainly wouldn't be wanting to trade them in. We also gratefully acknowledged that our other halves do indeed love us - and that in itself is something to be cherished and celebrated.
It is however, important for women to acknowledge that we are more verbal and emotional than men and therefore there are likely to be disappointments along the way.
It is however, important for women to acknowledge that we are more verbal and emotional than men and therefore there are likely to be disappointments along the way.
But what we realised was that even though this was the case - we were in danger of expecting them to love us the way we wanted to be loved - by our rules. My aha moment came when I acknowledged that I should relax my demands and accept that his way of showing love might not coincide with my expectations - but they are equally valid.
Men have a currency - something that they treasure. It could be their time, their car, their games of golf with the boys, their money. Because men's love is often communicated through deeds rather than words, if he gives you that which he treasures then this act of love should be worth it's weight in gold over any other muttered platitudes.
Again, the sexes react very differently to squabbles. The male approach is " We have a problem here - so here is how we fix it". The female approach however appears incompatible with this - invariably our view would be - we don't have to fix everything - so long as the issue ( our concerns ) have been acknowledged - that's often good enough for us. Confusing.
Our conversation concluded with the consensus that the key to a successful relationship is perhaps trying to understand how men think rather than why they act the way they do. Generally speaking men need the reassurance that they are doing the right thing - and sometimes ( even when they are not ) it's kinder to all concerned to use the art of diplomacy rather than bring in the tanks. Accept the deed with the grace and the love ( though possibly lack of imagination ) that was intended. Condemning their every move ( though you might be correct ) is going to leave you rather lonely.
Typically Men and women will experience the same relationship very differently - and that's no bad thing. In order for us to feel at ease with these anomalies we should embrace the differences and manage our own expectation.
After all, if we are happy - so is everybody else.
After all, if we are happy - so is everybody else.
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Cai - great to see you blogging - I think your last para with a capital "M" for Men and lowercase "w" for Woman say it all re importance - or is that just the "m" - sorry Man in me talking.
ReplyDeleteDavid C
David ...
ReplyDeleteLOL - I won't sweat the small stuff if you don't - but well spotted ;o)
Hope you are well.
Cai x